Dating, Online dating apps

How not to open a conversation when online dating

They say first impressions count. And when you match with someone online, you need a good opener. It seems some guys didn’t get the memo about this.

I get ‘hi’ a lot. Which is fine, if it’s followed by an actual sentence, which it rarely is.  Otherwise it’s pretty shit. ‘Hey’ seems to be another favourite. Hey (well, hay if we’re going to be grammatically correct, which we are, because it will become important later) is for horses. Horses probably have better chat than a lot of these dudes. Neigh! Actually, yes.

Here are a few shit openers I’ve come across. Prepare to be dazzled by the amazing way with words some people have.



Waaay too may words without any punctuation. I’ve read it numerous times and I’m still at a bit of a loss about it’s meaning. Think I’ll take a chance on the fact I’m not going to be missing too much by not trying this one.

This guy was very poetic:


What’s the appropriate response to Ho Hi? Of course it’s…



And obviously, there’s only one appropriate response to that…


That’s weird, but I guess some guys are into feet, so it would be less weird if I had a big photo of my feet on my profile. I don’t. I have one full length shot where my feet take up a tiny fraction of the screen. And are mainly covered in footwear.

As an aside, I have a full length shot because once a guy messaged me to ask if I had a full length shot (I didn’t at the time), and I replied, ‘why, don’t you think I have legs?’ This was back in the early days of me using online dating apps, before I started taking screenshots of shit chat.

And of course, there’s always that old classic…


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Firstly, he sounds like a 12 year old. What adult uses the word ‘willy’?

Secondly, despite only being four words it’s so grammatically incorrect, I’m not even sure if it’s a question or a statement.

Is it, as you might first assume, a question? Or is it in fact a declarative statement about someone called Fancy who’s a bit of a knob – ‘Fancy: a big willy.’ Or is it an exclamation of surprise, like this guy has just walked into a public toilet and looked down at the guy in the next urinal and exclaimed ‘Fancy, a big willy!’

And seriously guys, does this one ever work? Answers on a postcard. Or on a big willy in the post, so when I receive it, I can exclaim in surprise, and grammatically correctly, ‘Fancy, a big willy!’

Online dating apps

How to sound like a stalker in fewer than 10 words

Ever received an opener that pinpointed exactly where you are? And I don’t mean like on happn where people who you’ve been in the vicinity of pop up as potential matches. I mean on an app which doesn’t have this feature.

Not sure what I mean? How about this…

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The bit that’s blanked out is the specific train station I went through pretty much every morning and every evening on the way to and from work.

Dude, that is not the way to let someone know you’ve seen her around. That is the way to freak her the f*** out.

What’s wrong with something more generic like  ‘do you work in the business district?’ In fact, even ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’ would be a better opener than that. And that’s saying something.

Note that the app is trying to be helpful at the top with it’s ‘Make a good first impression…’ It’s helping you do this by literally feeding you something to open with. Shame he didn’t read that bit. Or maybe he did but his version said something like ‘Make a good first impression. Freak her the f*** out by sounding like a stalky creep and telling her EXACTLY where you’ve seen her’. Who knows.

Fortunately I moved offices not so long after, which meant I also changed train stations and didn’t have to keep looking out for some random dude who likes to freak people out on apps by pinpointing their exact location.


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You guessed it, this was where my new office was located. WTF? I should really get a less distinctive hair style. Or a mask to wear over my face. Or maybe I should just stop using online dating apps…