Dating, Online dating apps

How not to open a conversation when online dating

They say first impressions count. And when you match with someone online, you need a good opener. It seems some guys didn’t get the memo about this.

I get ‘hi’ a lot. Which is fine, if it’s followed by an actual sentence, which it rarely is.  Otherwise it’s pretty shit. ‘Hey’ seems to be another favourite. Hey (well, hay if we’re going to be grammatically correct, which we are, because it will become important later) is for horses. Horses probably have better chat than a lot of these dudes. Neigh! Actually, yes.

Here are a few shit openers I’ve come across. Prepare to be dazzled by the amazing way with words some people have.



Waaay too may words without any punctuation. I’ve read it numerous times and I’m still at a bit of a loss about it’s meaning. Think I’ll take a chance on the fact I’m not going to be missing too much by not trying this one.

This guy was very poetic:


What’s the appropriate response to Ho Hi? Of course it’s…



And obviously, there’s only one appropriate response to that…


That’s weird, but I guess some guys are into feet, so it would be less weird if I had a big photo of my feet on my profile. I don’t. I have one full length shot where my feet take up a tiny fraction of the screen. And are mainly covered in footwear.

As an aside, I have a full length shot because once a guy messaged me to ask if I had a full length shot (I didn’t at the time), and I replied, ‘why, don’t you think I have legs?’ This was back in the early days of me using online dating apps, before I started taking screenshots of shit chat.

And of course, there’s always that old classic…


IMG_0193 (1)

Firstly, he sounds like a 12 year old. What adult uses the word ‘willy’?

Secondly, despite only being four words it’s so grammatically incorrect, I’m not even sure if it’s a question or a statement.

Is it, as you might first assume, a question? Or is it in fact a declarative statement about someone called Fancy who’s a bit of a knob – ‘Fancy: a big willy.’ Or is it an exclamation of surprise, like this guy has just walked into a public toilet and looked down at the guy in the next urinal and exclaimed ‘Fancy, a big willy!’

And seriously guys, does this one ever work? Answers on a postcard. Or on a big willy in the post, so when I receive it, I can exclaim in surprise, and grammatically correctly, ‘Fancy, a big willy!’


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